For a Happy, Counter-Cultural Valentine's Day
by Jim Kenaston
With Valentine's Day upon us, I'd like to relay some "old school" reflections on the theme. A friend had asked for such input for her young-adult daughters. Given our current place in the shadow of the Sexual Revolution, this may seem as counter-cultural advice, but in light of the relationship carnage we see around us, and with a broadly biblical understanding of male and female differences in mind, this is what I shared with my friend.
The best relationship advice I've ever heard is that we should “never make a decision with permanent consequences while in a temporary situation.” This would be good advice generally, but relative to dating, the notion is that it's best to set aside relationship decisions until our situation is stable, and not while we're going through a seemingly desperate or vulnerable time in our life. For young women, following this advice will help them avoid most of the negative consequences that many have suffered in the wake of the Sexual Revolution.
A second notion would be to limit the contexts where we consider inviting someone to draw close to us in a relationship. I personally don’t trust the current status quo on this theme, such as using dating applications that seek to facilitate online introductions. Going this route leaves us open to people who are actively seeking to market themselves to strangers, and it asks us to do the same. This is also true of people who use bar-hopping as a way of meeting potential dating partners. Among young men, they’re the kind of people who are geared toward treating women as consumer products for their own consumption: they are predators. It's not a wise starting point for a lasting relationship, assuming that's what we want. A better alternative is to rely upon thoughtful introductions made by trusted friends, those who know both us and the person they’re introducing us to.
This "old school" approach worked quite well prior to the Sexual Revolution. Once such an introduction was made, it was thought best to get to know the person within the context of groups of mutual friends over time. This allowed a young woman to observe a man’s interactions with other people and how he treats them, including other female friends in his life. But if a man insists on trying to isolate a woman apart from her watchful friends (who can offer either of them constructive feedback), he's not worth her time and attention.
But let's assume a couple is beyond the early stages of introduction. In today's world, a valid concern women have is in how a man feeds his mind. She owes it to herself to know about the mental inputs he takes in. If he has given himself over to pornography, she would be wise to look for another person to allow into her life. (Tip #1: On a random occasion, she could ask him to show her the browsing history on his phone or computer. If he’s living an above board and transparent life, he should be open to sharing the unedited history, as should anyone who wishes to live a life of proper accountability among genuine friends and good mentors. Tip #2: She could share this article with him to help him understand that tip #1 is a reasonable precaution and request.)
This too may be common sense, though it bears mention, as many young people seem to make the mistake of building on the wrong things that they have in common with someone. It’s always best to build upon positive things (and interests) that you share, and to look for a relationship where the person’s “strong suit” will tend to compliment or help balance your own.
Conversely, it’s wise not to pursue a close relationship where two people are tempted to build upon a shared negative trait or deficit. An example might be an alcoholic who meets someone at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and falls in love. Yes, they have something in common, but it’s not a good starting point for either party.
Whatever one’s deficit in life might be, it’s best to draw close to people who can (compassionately) help us to be strong in the areas where we may be weak. When a couple shares a mutual weakness and hits a low point in their lives together, neither may have the capacity to help the other through.
It's impossible to forecast what or when one’s high and low points in the future will be, though a couple can help themselves by being self-aware and honest with each other about their areas of concern.
Another good suggestion for young women would be to take note of how a young man treats his mother, assuming his mother is still living and is a part of his life. It’s important to see whether he demonstrates respect for her and treats her well. Whatever patterns are seen in his unguarded moments, and particularly where there may be some conflict to resolve, this is what we can expect of how he’ll later treat his wife within their marriage.
Lastly, and for both men and women as we approach another Valentine's Day, I think it’s best that we focus on being the right person rather than finding the right person. If one day we're introduced to “the right person,” we'll at least have focused our energies on improving our own character, and such that we’ll be better prepared to move forward with that "right person" from there.
But, as I'd encourage my friend to tell her young-adult daughters, always be highly selective and patient in the process, because you and your future are well worth it!
With that, have a happy, counter-cultural Valentine's Day.
[Here's a version of this article as it appeared in The Stream.]
